Skip to main content
11:31 pm
[laughter] here it is, your moment of zen. >> i just took my pen. >> yeah. >> and i barely... ouch. oh. [moaning and groaning] >> soccer.omedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight a victory for all religions, no matter what kind of jesus you believe in, then a new high-tech weight loss product, finally you can feel cyberfat. and pie guests tonight are the cohost of radioan which they call a show about curiosities. so lock up your cats. my show was nominated for 6 emmis. and it has nothing to do with all my lesbian prison sex. this is the cole bert report.
11:32 pm
(cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for being here tonight. (cheers and applause) welcome to the report, good to see you. folks, i got to tell you, it's not just the energy in this room. i feel it too. you know, i love going-- i
11:33 pm
love going on vacation. it is great to be back after two weeks. i spent the fourth of july holiday celebrating a steamy anniversary with my lover, america. (laughter) i got him the same present as every year, scrap meat and explosives. but sadly it wasn't all party time. you see, before vacation i was swept up in world cup fever! riding high! riding high on team usa's thrilling series of winning, tying and losing. (laughter) but then we faced our h he-- eternal enemy, belgium. or as i call it europe rhode island. (laughter) and those waffle-sucking sort of frenchies. crushed us like we were then in every world war. (laughter) and with america out of the picture it all came down to a death match between germany and argentina. naturally i assumed it would
11:34 pm
be decided based on which country has the post living nazi war criminals. too close to call. so instead-- (laughter) it was decided with the thrilling sight of a chest volley goal in extra time followed by the terrifying sight of germans celebrating victory. kuz that never turns bad. of course this cup final has special meaning in vatican city, because pope francis is from argentina and live-in grand pope benedict is from germany. so deutscheland's win means benedict is pope again! (cheers and applause) bye-bye frank. don't let the 20 foot gilded door hit you where the good lord splittia. and nation if there is one thing i have always said about our president barack obama, is that he's an ineffectual weak ling in mom jeans. but if there's a second thing i've said it's that
11:35 pm
he's an imperial tyrant with an ire fist in mom jeans. (laughter) and facing the last two years of his life long rule, obama has sworn to use executive orders to ram his nefarious agenda down america's gull et. >> we are not just going to be waiting for legislation in order to make sure that we're providing americans the kind of health that they need. i've got a pen and i've got a phone. >> stephen: he's got a pen and a phone. he's not only issuing executive orders, he's stealing office supplies. (laughter) somebody better glue down the stapler in the oval office, then staple down the glue gun. now fortunately speak of the house john bayne certificate putting an end to this overreach. >> house speaker john boehner says he is filing a lawsuit against the obama administration on behalf of congress. he's accusing can the president of going around the law by using executive
11:36 pm
orders. >> stephen: thank god someone is finally suing barack obama. though i always thought it would be whoever lived at 1601 pennsylvania avenue. i mean those helicopters have got to be-- some kind of noise violation. (laughter) and you'll never guess what boehner is suing obama over, unless you guessed obamacare. (laughter) jim? >> boehner says president obama overstepped his authority when he delayed the employer mandate portion of obamacare without first seeking congressional approval. >> what we're talk about here are maces where the president is basically rewriting law to make it fit his own needs. >> stephen: yes. and congress cannot sit idly by while the president rewrites their laws. they have to sit idly by while they not write laws. and obama's overuse of executive orders is unprecedented in a modern
11:37 pm
american history in that he has issued fewer than any president since fdr. and don't tell me that every president issued executive orders because william-- william henry harrison did not sign a single executive order. instead, this good man chose to die of pneumonia 30 days into office. that is called leadership. now conservatives like myself have supported a un tear executive and use of executive orders in the past. but there's something about this president that makes the whole thing seem shady. (laughter) something-- i'm up set too. something, something he shares with attorney general eric holder. >> there's a certain level of vehemence it seems that is directed at the president. there's a certain racial component to this for some people, for some there's a racial animus.
11:38 pm
>> stephen: racial animus. holder is saying i feel differently about executive orders because obama is black. and i'm not going to argue with eric holder on this one because he might accuse me of racial animus. then i would have to look up the word animus. (laughter) i think it means butthole. (laughter) well-- i don't know. i don't want to know. i don't want to know. well, holder's accusation brings me to another edition of my long award-losing segment, thank you racism. you see-- (applause) last week eric holder stood by his previous statement that americans are essentially a nation of cow ards when it comes to talking about race. but holder could not be further from the let's say truth. (laughter) because i see only now that executive orders have always
11:39 pm
been wrong. but without my apparent distrust of black people i wouldn't have had the courage to suddenly be moved to protect the constitution from the overreach i didn't care about before. now, now i am standing up for america or against obama, whatever, same thing. now i know i've said some terrible things about racism in the past, folks. i guess-- i guess i prejudged racism without really knowing it. (laughter) and for that i'm sorry, racism. now folk, some say that boehner's lawsuit is a long shot but i say it's a long slam-dunk because while i was bald-- could beletter, on the fourth, i was up to the blueberries, i learned that i no longer have to pay for shut pills aka whore pellets aka vitamin bow chicka bowwow. jim? >> the supreme court of the
11:40 pm
united states delivered a major blow to president obama's health care law today in a major victory for religious freedom. in a 5-4 decision the justices ruled in favor of the hobby lobby craft chain saying that closely held corporations can m in fact, opt out of the obamacare contraception pan date due to religious objections. >> this is a big victory for religious freedom. >> a guy can particular victory, victory for common sense. >> victory for traditional americans. >> victory so, break out the champagne but not too much, hobby lobby employees because your birth control is no longer covered. (laughter) all right. be careful, please, set your humping to dry. (applause) >> yes n a unanimous 5-4 decision the supreme court catholic men have ruled that a woman's right to contraception does not trump her employer's right to
11:41 pm
believe she shouldn't be taking it. and it's based on the sound principleses that the government didn't have the authority to force closely held corporations to violate their religious beliefs. oh and it's probably not a big deal but they also ruled that corporations have religious beliefs. i mean it makes sense. hobby lobby obviously christian, panda express is jewish at christmastime, and papa john's of course is atheist because their pizza makes you doubt there is a god. (applause) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
11:42 pm
11:43 pm
the cadillac summer collection is here. ♪ ♪ during the cadillac summer's best event, lease this 2014 ats for around $299 a month and make this the summer of style.
11:44 pm
11:45 pm
>> stephen: well come back, everybody, thank you so much. nation, you probably already know this but we live in a golden era of digital toys. my favorite are fitness like the fitbit, i got one right here, uses motion sensors to record all of my exercise. and evidently i did not move today. (laughter) last week, last week i wanted to run a marathon so i strapped this bad boy to a paint shaker for about 20 minutes. for some reason i'm still not losing weight g figure. for the most exciting personal info device is called vessyl, a brand-new digital cup that tracks and identifies all your beverages. >> let's just say i have this soda on the table. and this one is an orange crush. if i was to pour my soda into the vessyl t would know that it is orange crush. it would know that that
11:46 pm
there is, you know, about 70 calories and then i would drink it. >> stephen: wait. (laughter) a digital cup that can tell me what's in the cup and how many calories and allow me to drink it? (laughter) that level of information was previously available only on the can you just poured it out of. (applause) i mean there are so many-- think about t there are so many times when vessyl beverage identifying technology will come in handy like when you order a coke but it tastes kind of like a indict coke but you're not sure. and perhaps other times. and vessyl will make sure you get your daily recommended allowance of silicon valley buzzwords. >> the vessyl automatically knows what's inside and can track in realtime the contents of the beverage. it tracks your realtime hydration needs but the main goal is to help you make healthier and more informed
11:47 pm
decisions in realtime. >> stephen: finally, decisions in legal time-- realtime. i'm so tired of making up my mind hours after i'm done doing what i will have decided. and this realtime works quickly. just watch as this guy pours a beer from a can into vessyl which confirms it is beer. it's like he's not even drinking alone any more. (laughter) and-- (applause) >> stephen: and according to vessyl's creative director that cylindrical design was no accident. >> weigh wanted to create something beautiful, functional, durable and also something that could live confident below on tabletops. >> stephen: that's right. it holds liquides and can sit upright on a table. i mean is there any as pebling of being a cup this cup can't do? an no wonder because vessyl is the culmination of 7 years of work.
11:48 pm
(laughter) seven years, okay. let's put that into perspective. that is longer than the time between jfk's call to put a man on the moon and the apollo 11 landing. and remember when armstrong landed his cup had no idea he was drinking tafg. (laughter) not that inspiring now is. if nation as far as i can see the only downside to vessyl is that it will cost almost $200 and won't ship until early 2015. early 2015 and that's in realtime. (laughter) of course even one vessyl does launch, it still only monitors your beverage intake. s this's only half the hydration equation. what about tracking your output. that's why tonight i'm excited to announce the prerelease idea launch of my new product toylet. it's the first-- the first
11:49 pm
cutting edge e recept cable capable of it handling your 1.0 and 2.0 downloads in realtime. (laughter) most importantly, toylet syncs with your iphone in that you can look at your iphone while you're sitting on it. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) am rich. my social circle includes captains of industry, former secretaries of state,
11:50 pm
oil tycoons, and ambassadors of countries known for their fine cheeses. yes i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers.
11:51 pm
11:52 pm
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight are the cohost of public radio's radiolab. which i believe-- please welcome robert krulwich and jad abumrad. (cheers and applause) jad, robert, thanks so much for coming on. all right, guys, for the few people out there who don't know, jad, robert, you are the cohost of wnyc here in new york that produces the
11:53 pm
peabody award-winning radiolab, one of the most popular shows on public radio, 478 stations around the country, downloaded pod casts more than 4 million times every month. what is-- what is radiolab? (laughter) and what are you spermentsing on? (laughter) >> on the radio i guess you could say, i mean it's-- . >> stephen: experimenting on the medium itself. >> yeah, new ways of telling stories. the lab is in a sense to experiment trying all the usual ways of telling stories but just doing differently. >> stephen: okay. yeah, sure, sure. for the purpose of our discussion i will say i followed that, all right? but why do you need to tell stories in a new way. people have been telling story since, you know, caveman said ug kill bear. >> we just like to play, i guess. we just-- there's an adventure to this. so we just-- we enjoy making
11:54 pm
up-- we choose complicated subjects. we don't completely understand them all the time and then we try to make sense of them. and to do that you've got to have fun and experiment and you got to do mischief. >> stephen: so you don't always understand the things you are talking about on the show. >> no, i without say it a prerequisite. we star in a play called absolute unknowing. >> stephen: dow ever end in a place of absolute unknowing. >> pretty much every single time. >> stephen: really. >> so our arc is a little hard. we go from nonknowledge to a little bit of knowledge to ah, kind of. >> stephen: so if you are your fans come up to you and say i got to say i listened to the show this weekend, i didn't know what you were talking about. you say success. >> exactly. as long as they remember some of the things you said. you want to give them a little something that sticks to them. >> stephen: okay, is your-- you're liberals, obviously-- (laughter) because you work for public radio. you work for public radio. >> you don't know that. >> stephen: i know you work
11:55 pm
for public radio an that's all i need to know. okay, there's two conservatives on public radio an their names are click and clack. the tappit brothers. is it curiosity itself a liberal value? because i'm a conservative, and i believe that it is sometimes better not to know then know. (laughter) knowledge is not always a good. >> well, to not know can be kind of scary, that is true. but then-- . >> stephen: and fear can be a good thing. >> there was actually a really long period in history of the world where people were told not to be curious that it was sinful and so on. >> stephen: well, sometimes it is. >> sometimes it can get new trouble. >> stephen: it did not work out well for -- >> no didn't. >> stephen: ar for adam and eve,. >> so there is a lesson to be learned it i suppose. but for us we just can't
11:56 pm
help ourselves. i think there is something in humans, conservative and liberals that says hmmmm, i would like-- like a cloud, you find out it weigh --00 tons and yet it's in the sky. >> stephen: it doesn't weigh 500 tons. clouds don't weigh. news slash clouds don't weigh anything, okay. that is how they float. okay, -- >> what does a balloon weigh. >> stephen: less than nothing. >> if you took a teaspoon you could weigh a little bit of cloud, you multi fly that tea spoon toward cloud you have a lot-- . >> stephen: so parts of a cloud weigh something but the entire cloud weighs nothing. >> no. (laughter) >> no, i was thinking-- . >> stephen: you do most of the work, right? you do-- because you-- (applause) you got one of them mcarthur genius grants back in 2011. did you ever lord that over him and go one of us has a genius grant.
11:57 pm
>> no, kuz the whole genius thing is a little trippy. >> stephen: what does that mean, what does trippy mean. >> deeply confusing. >> stephen: like your show. >> and also -- >> yes. >> people suddenly thought he was really smart because he was a genius. that is odd. >> stephen: you ask big questions, what is time. does evil really exist. have you thought about doing a show called do these questions make us seem high? (laughter) >> i tell you what, i think there is an aspect of the show that is sort of that pot smoking in your dorm room whoa sort of thing. i think that is where it begins. >> stephen: it sounds that way because you have all the sound effects, you have this-- robert-- krulwich radio-- you know. >> i mean i think you want to start with that place of disorienting, but then you really do try to figure it out. you try and know and walk
11:58 pm
through step-by-step into all the different layers of these questions. >> stephen: what is next. where is your curiosity leading you next. do you have a season or just grind in and out. >> doing it-- we just make it, we are always on. >> stephen: how about this one. how much does canada weigh? >> that's an interesting question. >> that's a hard one because in the winter when it is snowing it might be heavier. on the other hand, where would you stop when are you weighing it. you have to go down. >> stephen: all the way to the core. you a little wedge. >> the top of it is melting so that might get it lighting or heavier. see that is the kind of thing we do, exactly. >> you start with an open question and start thinking deeper and deeper. >> stephen: can i get a little taste of the back end on that one? >> public radio, don't forget. >> stephen: oh, okay, just give me the toths back. thank you so much for joining me, robert, jad, jad abumrad, robert krulwich,
11:59 pm
radiolab, it's on all the time. we'll roob bait well my friends, the time has come. to raise the roof, and have some fun. throw away the work to be done. ♪
12:00 am
let the music play on, play on, play on. everybody sing, everybody dance. lose yourself in wild romance. we're going to party, karamu, fiesta forever. bud light lime ritas fiesta forever. (vo) you know that dream... where you're the hero? hey... you guys mind warming this fella up for me? i'm gonna go back down, i saw some recyclables. make it happen with verizon xlte.
12:01 am
find a car service. we've doubled our 4g lte bandwidth in cities coast to coast. thanks! sure. we've got a spike in temperature. so save the day... don't worry, i got this... oh yeah, i see your spaceship's broken. with xlte on largest, most reliable network. get 50% off all new smartphones like the lg g3. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh . >> it's so good to be back. this happened on vine today. the world cup finale was yesterday. which means we have a new world leader, goe germany. they took to the streets of munich to celebrate. nothing bad happens when germany celebrates wld

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central July 14, 2014 11:31pm-12:02am PDT

Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich.

TOPIC FREQUENCY Stephen 6, Us 5, America 4, Germany 3, Obama 3, Boehner 3, Argentina 2, Media Access Group 2, Wgbh 2, Benedict 2, Radiolab 2, Robert Krulwich 2, Realtime 2, Jad 2, Wnyc 1, Apollo 1, Nation 1, Vo 1, Bud Light Lime Ritas Fiesta 1, Panda Express 1
Network Comedy Central
Duration 00:31:00
Scanned in San Francisco, CA, USA
Source Comcast Cable
Tuner Channel v745
Video Codec mpeg2video
Audio Cocec ac3
Pixel width 1920
Pixel height 1080
Sponsor Internet Archive
Audio/Visual sound, color

disc Borrow a DVD of this show
info Stream Only
Uploaded by
TV Archive
on 7/15/2014